First Visual

Attempting to wake up….. Thoughts of a recovering Alcoholic

Society, in general, is forgiving…May be because there are no expectations involved. As long as you are paying your taxes, bills and handing out cash, you will get served. The local grocer, the cab guy who picks you up or even the old man walking on the sidewalk... they never judge you. You are always greeted with a warm smile and a hello. Sure, they know about your addiction. When I was drinking, I thought that nobody knew about it. Now that I have not taken a drink in a while, I know how wrong I was. I can see it in their eyes that they gauzing me. Yet, they are happy for me. After all, who would want to mildly ruin their day by feeling sorry for a looser? It kind of perks them up a little bit.. that, I am not drunk. You can sense the energy. Does it make me feel bad or does it make me overcome with shame? No. It doesn’t. Back when I was drinking, and if I got the feeling that the other person is sizing me, it would make me mad. Now, I just accept it.

It is the ones whom you have shared your self, are tough on you. After all, I was the one who broke their trust, their faith and their confidence in me. They are not forgiving. It is almost that they are on some kind of revenge spree. All along, when I was suffering… drowning myself in bottle, they wanted me to get back on my feet, to get well. Now that I am somewhat capable or now that I am attempting, I can see their indifference. It is almost like that they want me to suffer… and that this was the reason why they wanted me to get well. Think of it in another way… what is the point of punishing a person who is not in his senses? Make a person suffer when he can feel the pain… that is what gives the real pleasure to the people who are inflicting.

Kids… they are different, especially if they are young. They love you. They haven’t reached the age where they can qualify or quantify love. They give it in abundance and expect it the same way. But, if you look closely, you will notice that they also have changed. A little bit of apprehension creeping in. They are holding back a tiny bit.. because they are not sure when you will leave them again… either by passing out in a drunken stupor or by checking into a rehab. They are happy to spend their days and nights with their aunt and cousin… because that is what they started doing when you were not around. Yet the joy on their face and the untainted love rubs on the soul. A fellow addict, a very knowledgeable one (we all are, the addicts, you know), told me at one of the rehabs that your kids will always be your kids. No matter if your wife separates from you and has their custody, no matter if you go far far away... every time they see you, they will be happy. You will always be their Daddy. And, this is what you should never forget, for the rest of your life, because this is what that will keep you on the right track.

Work is also same and different. The relationship you had with your Boss is now not the same. It is strained. Your Boss, just like your wife, can never trust you. The other high profile guys at work, like the VPs or the Directors… with whom you had good relations, even though they were way up the ladder, are now uncomfortable when you are around. No body is sure how to react. They just try to focus on the work that needs to be done and the conversations are limited to it… and that is the way it should be. You shouldn’t feel offended. These are the new rules of the game. The game has changed… simply because you had opted/forced it to be changed. Learn... show patience… like taking baby steps. There is no humiliation… you are back at work and that is what is important. At least, you are lucky enough to have this chance. Some days it will be tough… either because people have lost confidence in you or because you are fighting your own demons… but remember to break it down… one day into one hour… and if needed to one minute.

What is comforting, and a very well needed change, is the unexpected hugs and handshakes you get from people with whom you were friendly with (in a professional way), but never expected anything from. The handshake which lingers a second or two longer, the nod when you pass by and the hugs with the bosom… it keeps you going.  Not only do they understand what you have gone through, but they also understand what you are going through.

Addiction always tests the addict, as well as the people around him. It tests your will power and your desire to live. For people around you, it tests their patience. Of course, it is unfair to them… why should they be tested at all. It is not their problem. Yet, that is what it is. If you are lucky to survive the damages addiction has inflicted upon you, or, to put it correctly, the damages you have done to yourself, you will know who is with you and who is not. Who genuinely applauds your attempts and who has disdain for you.  Not that there is anything wrong with the latter. Everybody is different. Everybody has their own limits. Who am I to judge?

They say life is tough… hell yes it is. Every single fuckin’ day, consciously or unconsciously, you got to keep tabs on it. It can easily slip away… just like your better half. Coming to the better/fairer half… you miss her, but she is not interested in you anymore. You beg… for a second chance… or for forgiveness. Nope. Nothing is happening. But think back for a moment, shall we? Can you, in all honesty, forgive yourself? No. Then how can she? You were away from her, her daily life, her problems… for more than a year. In old times, when a man went to war and was away for years… chances were, when he came back, the wife would be with somebody else. It was natural. Everybody needs company. And to think of it, you were not in a war, not even on an assignment… heck… you were drunk. How cool is that!!

When not drinking for a while, you can see how slowly life passes by… you feel every hour, every minute… like a trickle or a drop… tick tick tick. The depression, the lack of self esteem, the feeling of uselessness… it is all there. You really have to soak all that in. You have to embrace them. They are going to live with you for a while. They are not going away soon. You have invited them anyway. Don’t fight… surrender and accept. The only hope you have to survive is to not pick that bottle again.

You start noticing small things like finding personal space… in a social gathering. You never knew that such a thing existed. While acknowledging your presence, nobody bothers to include you in!!

There is constant dilemma…constant war… Are these people judging you OR Are you judging them? Are they really judging you or is this the case of them carrying out the sentence?

Be honest to your self… in your thoughts and deeds, do not judge others… for you have forfeited that right (for now, at least). ACCEPT. Accept the things the way they are. New rule of the game is to always be Humble. Never raise your voice, never expect anything… learn to live like a hermit. Just like the toxins from drugs and alcohol take sometime to flush out from your body, the other aspect of addiction e.g. psychosocial behaviors will take their own sweet time to get back in order.